Not Yours, Not Anyone’s: Breaking Those "Toxic" Relationship Cycles

Okay, ladies! Hot girl summer* is upon us and being single is better than being salty + sad. So, let's talk about something I've really been learning (and unlearning) throughout the last few years. Reminding us of what we're truly here for and all the things to leave behind. Whether you're currently going through it, or simply reflecting - let's take a look at those emotionally exhausting relationship rollercoasters (and how to break the cycle).

You know the ones that circle back a million times just to love bomb you? Showering you with gifts and the time you were always asking for? The ones now needing to desperately see you right before or after work? Yes - it's a nice gesture, it's flattering and maybe even a little bit fulfilling... but here's the reality check: you’re not anyone's emotional property. You’re not the backup plan. He doesn’t get to leave you behind and pick you back up when the boredom of his life kicks in or when he sees that someone else wants what he gave up. Yet here we are. Too many of us know the guy who says he’s "done" or "distanced" - can't stand to see us move on, look better or love harder without him... even if he has. The thought of someone else having your magic? He seriously can’t handle that. It's such a double standard - and it shows.

Time to change the narrative.

Desperation + Control Disguised as “Love”

He says, “You deserve better,” or the classic, “It’s not you, it’s me and I don't know what to do.” So you finally pull the trigger and back away. Fast forward over the weekend where he's relentlessly blowing up your phone and DMs trying to make you feel bad? Asking where you are or who you're with and demanding answers - as if you're a piece of property that someone has stolen from him? Sometimes even after years have passed? (This audacity seriously needs to be studied).... Gaslighting you like you're the one playing games?

Behind that crazy little speech is a narcissistic confession and a lot of projection saying, “I'm living my life but don’t forget me. Don’t move on. Don’t be happy.” Which is actually just a form of control when you break it all down. It’s manipulation at its finest, dressed in heartbreak couture - and it’s something we all learn at different paces, in different spaces.

It's okay to taste freedom.

Past Should Haves, Present Power

You're done with the back-and-forth. You're done with being someone's safety net, ego boost or morning calls to justify their daily emotions. Yes, a massive part of love is open communication and honesty, but if you're back here for the third time after all that chaos and heartbreak? Maybe it's time to look a little deeper within yourself and redefine what love means to you.

You are not here to be held in the dark while he decides whether or not he’s ready to be the man you already deserve. He doesn’t get to determine your joy, your outfits, your choices, the amount of time you take or the ways you heal. When people say "life doesn't revolve around you" I always dispute that. Life does revolve around us - who we are and who we spend our time with is a reflection of how we feel.

Healing, But Make It Hot (Take Notes Babe)

Now listen, healing is not linear and I've said this before in previous posts. One minute you’re waiting for his texts, meeting "innocently" for morning coffees and then the next you’re dancing in the kitchen with no worries in the world, like the goddess you are. That’s okay. That’s growth - and it's healthy to embrace all stages.

Here’s the sexiest truth I can share with you about my own journey and experience: you don’t have to be “completely healed” to start living again. You can meet him one day and be done the next. I've been the phoenix rising from the ashes time and time again (alchemy enters the chat) - but I have never let that stop me. That being said, learn from it and let it be your soul power. Create your own definition of relentless. You don’t need to be fully over it to start over. Dating while healing? Yes, you can do that - and it can be so much fun, when you are honest with yourself. Like I always say: work, but don't forget to have fun!

On The Market, While Owning Your Worth

So, if you've read this far then you're exactly where I am today. You’re ready to peek back into your prime and head into the dating pool - but this time, you’re bringing your boundaries and your burning little fires with you.

Here’s how to do it with a little grace and a lot of self-love sass:

• Date from abundance, not loneliness. You’re not trying to fill a hole (pun sometimes intended & your secret is safe over here babe) - but you are whole and you’re looking for alignment. There’s a difference.
  

• Keep your standards high, even when the vibes are low. If someone reminds you of your ex in the worst ways? Run faster than you did last time. Stop ignoring the reds (no matter how sweet he spins it).
  

• Know that you are the prize (please be so forreal). This isn’t arrogance - it's a godsend gift of confidence. It’s some serious self awareness. You bring energy, light, transparent darkness, love, raw emotion, intensity, passion and depth. Act like it.
  

• Don’t pretend to be okay if you’re not. Be real with others and yourself. If you’re still healing, you can be honest about it! Authenticity will attract exactly what is meant for you - and repel what’s not. You'd be surprised how many people can actually relate to your story! We've all been hurt in one way or another.

Welcome To Your Comeback Season

This is the era of taking back your power, laughing your very loudest, wearing the dress that was 'too' revealing and loving like you’ve never been hurt - starting with yourself.

Realize this: you’re not here to handle anyone's emotional turmoil. You’re here to thrive and to be exactly who you want to be. Let him watch from the sidelines and let him cower with the life he chose - let him realize that he benched himself. Anyone who seriously loved you would have acted right the first time anyways. Strut into your next chapter with your head high, your heart open and your standards untouchable. You’re all yours - and you're unstoppable.